GUIDE
Our second baby is due soon. When grandparents and friends come to see the baby, how do we keep our 2½-year-old from feeling pushed aside?
By the seenow! teamLast updated:
Tell visitors before they come: greet the big sibling first, and spend a few minutes with them before asking to hold the baby. Give your toddler a job during visits, keep 10 to 15 minutes a day of one-on-one time with each parent, and ask a grandparent to take the older child out for a while.
WHY
Why this happens
The first weeks with a new baby bring a steady stream of visitors: grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends with casseroles. Almost all of them walk in looking for the baby. For a 2½-year-old who was the center of every visit until now, the change is easy to see. The same people who used to get down on the floor to play now walk past to the bassinet.
This is a common moment for American families. Pew Research Center found that in 2014, 41% of mothers ages 40 to 44 had two children, the most common family size, up from 24% in 1976. So most visitors have seen this before, and most are happy to help once someone tells them what would help.
The hard part is that you will not have the energy to manage it in the moment. You will be tired, feeding a newborn, and trying to be polite. That is why the plan works best when it is set before the baby comes, and when the visitors and your toddler each know their part.
HOW TO
What you can do starting today
Send visitors a short note before they comeNo app needed
A text to the family group a few weeks before the due date can do most of the work. Ask them to say hello to your toddler first and spend a few minutes with them before asking to see the baby. Iowa State University Extension's AnswerLine suggests asking visitors to spend one-on-one time with the older sibling so they feel special and not left out.
Ask gift-givers to bring something small for the big siblingNo app needed
If someone asks what the baby needs, you can add, "and a sticker book for big brother would mean a lot." A small gift from the baby to the older child, waiting at home, also helps on the first day.
Give your toddler a job during visitsNo app needed
Let them answer the door, take visitors' coats, hand out the baby's socks or show off their own room. A 2½-year-old can be the "tour guide" for a few minutes, and visitors have a natural reason to talk to them.
Protect one-on-one time with each parentNo app needed
The same AnswerLine post suggests each parent spend 10 to 15 minutes of individual time with the older child, starting before the baby arrives and continuing after. Pick something that fits the newborn weeks, like reading two books on the couch while someone else holds the baby, and call it by a name, such as "big kid time."
Let grandparents take the big sibling outNo app needed
A walk to the park, a trip to the library or a donut run with Grandpa gives your toddler a visit that is all about them. It also gives you a quiet hour with the baby.
WITH SEENOW!
Doing it with seenow!
seenow! is a family app where everyone in a private group takes a short video, about 2 seconds a day, and sees each other's clips. It does not replace attention at home, but it can help with who shows up in the family's feed.
- Make a group for the grandparents and close family. Only the people you invite can see it. Agree to post clips of the big sibling too, like helping with the bath or the trip to the park with Grandpa, so the clips are not all about the baby.
- If you want, keep a separate group for the household only, for clips you are not ready to share yet.
What seenow! can’t do
- seenow! cannot make visitors pay attention to your toddler. That part takes a direct word from you or your partner.
- seenow! has no comments or likes, so the note to visitors before they come still goes by text message or a phone call.
Core features are free.
POINT
Things to watch for in this situation
Don't make the baby the reason for every no
"Not now, the baby is sleeping" can turn into the baby taking the blame for everything. Try "not now, it's quiet time" or "after I finish this, let's read." Small wording changes keep the baby from becoming the problem.
Say thanks to the visitors who get it right
When a grandparent spends 15 minutes building blocks before they ask for the baby, thank them in front of your toddler. It tells your child they were noticed, and it tells the next visitor what you are hoping for.
FAQ
Frequently asked questions
Should the baby give the big sibling a present?
Many families do this, and it can help on the first day the baby comes home. Keep it simple and quiet, such as a book, crayons or a small toy the older child already likes.
What if a relative ignores our note?
Hand the baby to your partner, sit down with your toddler and say, "Come see what Maya built." Most people follow your lead when you model it.